Jan Hugo: Hello again from the Relocated South African, the podcast for navigating immigration from South Africa for a better future. I’m your host, Jan Hugo, from Lagos in Portugal. A little bit cooler Lagos than normal, but it’s our turn. Today, I thought, it being so close to Christmas time, maybe it’s worthwhile just recording a little Christmas message and sharing a few thoughts on this immigration journey to date and also what we are experiencing.

It is Christmas time. It’s a happy time of the year in the northern hemisphere, obviously. A lot colder in a lot of places with snow. We always see the happy Christmas movies with snow and Christmas jumpers and happy families, and everyone being together, eating together, exchanging gifts and the typical northern hemisphere Christmas that we’ve come to know in the movies.

Obviously in the south it’s slightly different. Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, it’s very different. In summertime, it’s beach holiday time. Everyone’s on holiday. The weather’s great. People get together in beach resorts and they are with family and enjoying the summer holiday. Yeah, quite the opposite.

In Europe, obviously, we have these Christmas markets. If you have the opportunity to visit a European Christmas market, just do it. Even in Portugal, where there’s no snow, there is a market on every corner in Lisbon. You drink glühwein, eat some nice food, and with lively music, everybody’s having a good time being outside in the cold.

We on the other side have family all over the world. Our children, as you know, live in America, Ireland, Isle of Man and in South Africa. So different Christmases for everyone. And yeah, we are in Portugal. I don’t think we’re on our own being in this situation.

We’ve been very fortunate to have had the children here at the end of November for Thanksgiving in America and the kids from Ireland as well. Now we’re heading into the Christmas season and ultimately a season for a lot of us being alone. And how do we deal with it?

I have spoken a lot on the podcast about the issue of family, missing family, caring for parents abroad, missing parents, missing children and grandchildren. No matter where parents and kids are, it’s always a difficult time. When you’re not together, especially with grandchildren, we’d love to be with our children and grandchildren and share Christmas with them, but it’s not always possible. So we have so many days and another Christmas passes without being with them. And it’s a happy time, but it can be a sad time for us as well.

We talk to our families, obviously, video link, whether it’s WhatsApp, Zoom or whatever programme we use. But it’s not the same. It’s just not the same as being together at Christmas time and being able to share this time together. So for some of us, it’s quite tough.

But let’s talk a little bit about the visit that we’ve just had from our children. It was wonderful and so great to see them. The ones in America, we haven’t seen the grandchildren for two years. They’ve now grown to be teenagers with typical teenager behaviours and interests. They’re really not that interested in talking to old people like us anymore. My grandson often says, when we try and talk to him, his response is, “Alex has left the chat.”

I think they’re typical of a lot of teenagers, but it is amazing when they come to visit you after two years, we last saw them in 2023. And while we were all together and we as a family shared a wonderful time in Portugal, doing a lot of touristy things, cooking, eating, and just being social and seeing the place. And with the kids from Ireland being able to see their siblings, it was wonderful. We’ve seen them two, three times this year. And yeah, we had an awesome time.

But there’s this constant feel of separation, of divide that you and your children and grandchildren feel. Maybe it’s just me. And maybe it’s an immigration thing when we’re so many miles apart.

Sulette spoke about parents that stay behind and the immigration impact on them, how it affects families and parents. And I think we’re in the same boat. Whilst we are still family and we talk from time to time, I guess maybe it’s our fault that it sometimes gets less and less because as the kids grow up and they have their own interests, they work hard, they try to build a career and making time for family conversations becomes more and more difficult and less of a priority, especially over time zones.

But it’s a natural flow of life. It just happens that children get on with their lives. They have their priorities that may be different to ours. Yeah, they would love to hear how we’re doing. And we talk from time to time, but it’s less of a priority. And maybe the fault lies with us that we should make more of an effort of liaising.

But I think this visit highlighted, you know, not seeing grandchildren physically for two years, you’re just missing an immense part of their lives. They are growing up. They’re becoming people with their own personalities, their own lives. And you touch on it for a week and then they move off and they’re on their own again.

Yeah, it was nice to be in Portugal. It’s nice to see the place, to see the grandparents, but it’s not a big thing whether it happens or not, because we’re not that close. And I think in their minds, maybe it’s just something that they have to do. For me, it’s actually quite sad.

Is there anyone you can blame? I don’t think so. I think we’ve spoken about the whole situation of immigration, why people immigrate. I think a lot of people have left South Africa for obvious reasons. Our children have done the same. They’re happy where they are, they’re building lives and careers. They will probably never go back. We followed them to Europe to be closer to them. So maybe in that respect, we’re a little bit unique compared to parents that stay behind in South Africa. But the issues are the same. We just don’t see them.

With our kids in Ireland, I’ve spoken about the concept of physical touch, being close to the little boy, being with him, putting him to bed, reading him a story. These are natural things that would have happened if we were in South Africa and we were closer together. But yet, here we are miles apart and we’re drifting further apart. And I actually don’t have the answers. I don’t know what we do. How do we bridge that gap?

Maybe the answer is just that we should talk to others who are in the same boat and share our stories and tell people how we feel and hear how they feel. I don’t know what the answer is, but that it is sad and especially at this time of year. For me, it’s extremely sad. And every day that goes by is a day, a longer time without them and without seeing them grow up and without sharing their lives and not just seeing them on a video of a school concert. We want to be there. I want to participate, but we are just missing out completely.

Is it anybody’s fault? No, it was our choice. We decided to go, we decided to let them go because for them, it’s better. Now, somebody said today, South Africa may have run out of oxygen for the kids. They had to move away to get that oxygen. I’ve never wanted to stop them. I agree that it was the right thing for them to do and for their children and their careers and so on. But it comes at a cost. It comes at a real cost.

So yeah, I don’t know. Just thought it’s worthwhile sharing this feeling. I think it’s the same with any long distance relationship when you think about friends that you’ve left behind in the country where you come from. It’s the same thing. It’s very hard to maintain those relationships because people carry on. They carry on with their lives. They don’t need time to spend with you. And when they do come here and they visit, it’s great to see friendly faces and you pick up where you were, but then they move back and that’s it. You never hear from them again. And the same for us as well.

But it’s a matter of people just have their own lives. We’ve chosen to make our life in Europe. Whether it’s America or Australia, wherever we are, does it make it better? No. I think the pain and the hurt is still there.

So yeah, I just thought it’s worth sharing my feelings, my thoughts. Maybe there’s some of you who are in the same boat, feel the same. Maybe want to share, maybe want to talk. Why don’t you let us know? Either via jan@therelocatedsouthafrican.com or fill in the form on our website www.therelocatedsouthafrican.com and talk to us. Let’s share. I think by sharing, it will make life easier. And if you have any ideas about how we can share our stories more than through the podcast, let me know. Let me know how you feel. Maybe I’m alone, maybe not.

But on that note, for those with your families, all I can say is treasure every minute. Life is so short. Don’t let little irritations spoil the time that you can spend with your family. Make sure that you love each other. And for those who do not have their family with them today, I can just say, I know your pain. I know how you feel. I think it’s tough. Just know that you’re not alone. There are a lot of people, and if you want to share with us or talk, please contact us.

Take this opportunity to wish each and every listener a very Merry Christmas and a prosperous New Year. Thank you for supporting the podcast, for every person that I interviewed this year, who has made it what it is today. I can just say thank you. God bless you all and may you have a wonderful, wonderful, peaceful festive season. Thank you.